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    getting along with your senior pastor
jeanne mayo
OK, I’ve got to admit you’re right. I’m married to my senior pastor, so it makes it pretty difficult for him to fire me as his youth leader! But most youth leaders don’t have that “inside tract.” I hear repeatedly from some of you how challenging it is to keep the relationship with your senior pastor from going south. So let me give you some of the advice I recently gave my own son during his first year in full-time youth ministry. Maybe it will strike a helpful chord with you as well.
- Painful as reality might be, don’t expect your senior pastor to be a “spiritual dad,” mentor, or coach. Don’t even expect to spend much personal time with him. Granted, he might have given you all those hopes when he first interviewed you and asked you to take the youth ministry position. But well-intentioned as he might have been, it is pretty unlikely that you will experience that kind of close, nurturing relationship. If by some rare and amazing chance you do have a senior pastor who mentors and coaches you like a loving spiritual father, count your blessings daily. He is a rare, priceless gift from the Lord to you. But if your situation proves to be similar to most youth leaders on the field, don’t allow resentment to creep in due to your lack of a closer personal relationship.
- Give your senior pastor a weekly (or monthly) written report on key projects, events, and points of interest within your youth ministry. If he says something like, “You don’t need to go to the trouble to do this,” smilingly respond that it is important to you that he be thoroughly informed. Then keep producing the written reports. In truth, “What you’re not up on, you’re down on.” So it is important to communicate regularly to let him know what you are speaking on, key events coming up, and to receive a praise report from your initiatives after they are completed.
I recently heard a secular CEO share that most corporate executives who are fired share one common denominator: They never shared specifically with their superiors about their positive accomplishments. In like manner, I think many youth pastors never take the time to share with their leadership about all the hard work and positive results that are coming from the local youth ministry. Thus, senior pastors only hear the negative reports from disgruntled parents that invariably arise. Be sure to make the report a written one, probably only about one page in length. Then your pastor can look it over when a convenient moment arises for him.
- Find specific ways you can serve your senior pastor that would matter to him; and then serve him joyfully and with excellence. That action might be something as small as washing his car once a month or occasionally making a hospital visit that he couldn’t get to. We all have different “love languages.” Observe your senior pastor carefully and occasionally ask questions like, “What’s something I could do for you occasionally that would make you smile?” An occasional surprise cup of his favorite coffee from Starbucks can go a long way. I don’t call that “kissing up.” I merely call it “treating people the way I would love to be treated.”
- Encourage…Encourage…Encourage. No, I’m not suggesting that you flatter your pastor or say things that you do not mean. But his job is filled with lots of lonely days and far more negative comments than you might realize. We all need a cheering squad. So I suggest that you make yourself the chairman of his. Thinking of honest positives you can give from last week’s message is a great place to start.
- Never…ever talk negatively about your senior pastor to other people. This would obviously include even other staff personnel. Don’t even allow people within the congregation or staff to talk negatively to you about him. Granted, he may have several weaknesses that make this guideline a pretty taxing one. But prioritize loyalty and realize that you will always reap what you sow. Obviously, in rare circumstances, your pastor may have ethical issues that must be brought to the attention of his governing body. But most of the negative concerns you will be tempted to verbalize will not be in this category. So refuse to allow yourself to become an “Absolom” to him.
- Once a year, take an hour out of your schedule to create a handwritten note, thanking him for the privilege of ministering with the teenagers and telling him specific things you appreciate about his character. I can hear some of your thoughts even as I type this sentence. “I’m a non-paid volunteer. Why should I be writing him a thank you? He should be writing one to me!” You are absolutely right again. But I thought you wanted pragmatic ways to enhance and storm-proof your relationship with the senior pastor. That being true, you will reap the dividends of that yearly one-hour-note-writing-session more than I could adequately tell you.
- When “trouble in River City” occurs, make sure you get to your senior pastor to inform him before the other parties do. Don’t allow yourself to become paranoid on this issue. But occasionally, you should hear yourself saying, “I just wanted to give you a heads up on something in case you hear the other side of the story.” This principle is especially important when you experience rough waters with the teenagers of other leadership in the church.
- If the senior pastor has a son or daughter in your youth ministry, go the extra mile to connect effectively and regularly with them. Wrong or right, every good parent deeply appreciates someone who helps them positively navigate the teenager years with their children. Guard against becoming “emotional competition” with your pastor for his student’s love or loyalty. But as bratty and intimidating as some “PK’s” can be, go beyond the call of duty to connect positively with them.
Do these simple suggests make a difference? I really think so. Just last weekend I participated in my oldest son’s wedding. His senior pastor made comments during the ceremony and said, “I think of Josh as a true son to me.” And judging from his voice tone and the look in his eyes, he really meant that. I smiled internally and mentally sent up a quick prayer. “Thanks, Lord. Josh has several more wonderful years ahead of him with this man, and my mom’s heart is really grateful.”
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http://www.simplyyouthministry.com/community-articles-from-the-field.html
jeanne mayo
OK, I’ve got to admit you’re right. I’m married to my senior pastor, so it makes it pretty difficult for him to fire me as his youth leader! But most youth leaders don’t have that “inside tract.” I hear repeatedly from some of you how challenging it is to keep the relationship with your senior pastor from going south. So let me give you some of the advice I recently gave my own son during his first year in full-time youth ministry. Maybe it will strike a helpful chord with you as well.
- Painful as reality might be, don’t expect your senior pastor to be a “spiritual dad,” mentor, or coach. Don’t even expect to spend much personal time with him. Granted, he might have given you all those hopes when he first interviewed you and asked you to take the youth ministry position. But well-intentioned as he might have been, it is pretty unlikely that you will experience that kind of close, nurturing relationship. If by some rare and amazing chance you do have a senior pastor who mentors and coaches you like a loving spiritual father, count your blessings daily. He is a rare, priceless gift from the Lord to you. But if your situation proves to be similar to most youth leaders on the field, don’t allow resentment to creep in due to your lack of a closer personal relationship.
- Give your senior pastor a weekly (or monthly) written report on key projects, events, and points of interest within your youth ministry. If he says something like, “You don’t need to go to the trouble to do this,” smilingly respond that it is important to you that he be thoroughly informed. Then keep producing the written reports. In truth, “What you’re not up on, you’re down on.” So it is important to communicate regularly to let him know what you are speaking on, key events coming up, and to receive a praise report from your initiatives after they are completed.
I recently heard a secular CEO share that most corporate executives who are fired share one common denominator: They never shared specifically with their superiors about their positive accomplishments. In like manner, I think many youth pastors never take the time to share with their leadership about all the hard work and positive results that are coming from the local youth ministry. Thus, senior pastors only hear the negative reports from disgruntled parents that invariably arise. Be sure to make the report a written one, probably only about one page in length. Then your pastor can look it over when a convenient moment arises for him.
- Find specific ways you can serve your senior pastor that would matter to him; and then serve him joyfully and with excellence. That action might be something as small as washing his car once a month or occasionally making a hospital visit that he couldn’t get to. We all have different “love languages.” Observe your senior pastor carefully and occasionally ask questions like, “What’s something I could do for you occasionally that would make you smile?” An occasional surprise cup of his favorite coffee from Starbucks can go a long way. I don’t call that “kissing up.” I merely call it “treating people the way I would love to be treated.”
- Encourage…Encourage…Encourage. No, I’m not suggesting that you flatter your pastor or say things that you do not mean. But his job is filled with lots of lonely days and far more negative comments than you might realize. We all need a cheering squad. So I suggest that you make yourself the chairman of his. Thinking of honest positives you can give from last week’s message is a great place to start.
- Never…ever talk negatively about your senior pastor to other people. This would obviously include even other staff personnel. Don’t even allow people within the congregation or staff to talk negatively to you about him. Granted, he may have several weaknesses that make this guideline a pretty taxing one. But prioritize loyalty and realize that you will always reap what you sow. Obviously, in rare circumstances, your pastor may have ethical issues that must be brought to the attention of his governing body. But most of the negative concerns you will be tempted to verbalize will not be in this category. So refuse to allow yourself to become an “Absolom” to him.
- Once a year, take an hour out of your schedule to create a handwritten note, thanking him for the privilege of ministering with the teenagers and telling him specific things you appreciate about his character. I can hear some of your thoughts even as I type this sentence. “I’m a non-paid volunteer. Why should I be writing him a thank you? He should be writing one to me!” You are absolutely right again. But I thought you wanted pragmatic ways to enhance and storm-proof your relationship with the senior pastor. That being true, you will reap the dividends of that yearly one-hour-note-writing-session more than I could adequately tell you.
- When “trouble in River City” occurs, make sure you get to your senior pastor to inform him before the other parties do. Don’t allow yourself to become paranoid on this issue. But occasionally, you should hear yourself saying, “I just wanted to give you a heads up on something in case you hear the other side of the story.” This principle is especially important when you experience rough waters with the teenagers of other leadership in the church.
- If the senior pastor has a son or daughter in your youth ministry, go the extra mile to connect effectively and regularly with them. Wrong or right, every good parent deeply appreciates someone who helps them positively navigate the teenager years with their children. Guard against becoming “emotional competition” with your pastor for his student’s love or loyalty. But as bratty and intimidating as some “PK’s” can be, go beyond the call of duty to connect positively with them.
Do these simple suggests make a difference? I really think so. Just last weekend I participated in my oldest son’s wedding. His senior pastor made comments during the ceremony and said, “I think of Josh as a true son to me.” And judging from his voice tone and the look in his eyes, he really meant that. I smiled internally and mentally sent up a quick prayer. “Thanks, Lord. Josh has several more wonderful years ahead of him with this man, and my mom’s heart is really grateful.”
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